Friday, April 06, 2012

Shrieking News: ISB Completes Placement of Class of 2009

Friday, 6th April, 2012, Hyderabad: THE INDIAN SCHOOL OF BLUSTER (ISB) today announced that they have finally completed the placements of the MBA Program Class of 2009.
“Our placement office staff worked diligently for three years and achieved what we set out to do: get all our 2009 students placed before the graduation of the Class of 2012,” said Mr. Gnome, the placement head of the school. “We beat our three year target by one day, which is a phenomenal achievement. Not even E. Sreedharan of the Delhi Metro could beat his own schedule,” he exulted.
As readers will recall, 2009 was a particularly tough year for young MBA graduates, with the global recession in full rage and the Indian cricket team losing another overseas Test series. While a lot of ISB graduates got their dream jobs that exactly covered their loan EMIs, thus making them cash flow neutral, a significant number of other graduates got what Economist’s from the Chicago school term as, ‘deferred happiness-current crappiness’.
“We should treat an MBA as a long-term project,” said Dean Kolor (who invited us to call him Dean ‘K’) when we spoke to him. “Once you spend Rs. 20 lakhs in a year on an expensive country club you need strict discipline to get back to the real world. If you can recover your investment within five years then that does not hold you in good stead for the rest of your forty year working life. An individual’s ‘Return on Investment’ should be similar to what most companies in the world will see for the next two decades – negative to the power of zero. No one person can perform better than the economy, you see.”
We found a Co2009 student on campus who has been apparently living off the land for the past three years. “Once I was lucky enough to get a deferred placement in an unknown company at the time of graduation, I had nowhere else to go till the time ISB unraveled the mystery employer and the enigmatic joining date. ISB is a natural ecosystem. You get freshly manicured grass from the rolling lawns; stray dogs are a plenty; a water reservoir ensures hydration through the year. If you are lucky, you may snag one of the peacocks strutting around: you can usually barter their feathers with the girls at ISB, who like to complement their state of mind with a related physical one.”
The student, who refused to be named, maintained that ISB was still the best decision he ever made. “I would have been stuck at my software development job, working till 6-7 PM every day in an artificially air-conditioned environment, eating processed fast food, and going home to a cramped two-bedroom apartment without even a flat screen TV. Is that how a person who has graduated in the top-percentile of IIT entrance exam supposed to live?” he asked philosophically.
McKinsey, the global management consulting firm, had hired five and a quarter ISB Co2009 graduates. A half of those were put to work to permanently being on campus and constantly pour refreshing Kool-Aid to the new batch, another one was lost in the coal mines of Jhasiguda, Orissa while doing project management, and three were absorbed by their Lenovo screens when they stared too long into a PowerPoint. The firm then felt a need to rehire from ISB.
“We experience that with each batch,” Mr. Dumbele Ahole – a Waste Management expert and Partner with the firm in the Mumbai office admitted, “and that is why we always keep some students as back up at ISB. “We pride ourselves with giving the single most difficult case study interview across the big consulting firms in the world that not only pries into candidates’ personal lives, but also monitors their bowel movements for two whole days. Since the object is to look for candidates who are Partner-material, we try and identify the biggest mini-Aholes that ISB has to offer,” he said smugly. “With the Co2009 we got a lot of eligible candidates – they had so much pent up case preparation that had never been released.”
A lot of ISB’s students had also taken up entrepreneurship after graduation.
ISB’s head of ‘Student-Headed Involvement in Total Entrepreneurship’, Mr. Burma-ji (emphasis his own, and an insistent one at that) was the man responsible for the program.
“My mandate is to drive students towards SHITE. At the beginning of the year, most students were day-dreaming of being consultants and rehashing PowerPoint presentations for one client and billing them to another. The more intrepid CA-types want to become investment bankers,” he said smiling mischievously. “But there is no time to better time than the recession to be in SHITE.”
He rambles on, “I was personally responsible for leading 10 percent of the batch into SHITE – a subject I am intimately familiar with. There were those who wanted to get back into IT or, wanted to profitably sustain their family businesses, but I inspired them to think above and beyond long term comfort and satisfaction. As a consequence, we have lot of students who launched innovative companies. Like, one student decided to sell packaged sugarcane juice. Unfortunately, he forgot that the juice ferments without preservatives and therefore the business model had been done before. Still, it was better than working in a company, which was started based on someone else’s proven and successful ideas. Where is the challenge in that?”
ISB was thus able to write off the students who became engrossed in SHITE or, those who went back to their family business and thus claimed 100% placement with 200% salary increment on that segment.
Not everyone from the class of 2009 was happy though. We met Chinmay J. who is a senior Associate at a Mumbai-based investment firm and was critical to the recent groundbreaking China-Hong Kong split.
“I learnt more in my CA than at my classes at ISB,” he began. “My accounting mind was always sharp, I could even correct one or, two of the professors there. I came to the school in order to get into a sell-side firm, but as it turned out those are as rare a species at ISB as an honest Investment Banker. After ISB, I used my own networking and superior discount-cash flow valuations skills to skip past the sell-side and move directly to the buy-side, as there where the action, bonuses, and champions like me are,” he ranted on.
Mr. Gnome confirmed that they have tracked Chinmay J.’s career progression and have already counted his as yet non-credited bonus with his new firm in their placement performance metrics since he was within the ‘three year placement window’.
We also met up with the renowned blogger and bungee enthusiast, Irshad D., another graduate of the class of 2009. We met him in his home office, starting at a white wall, with Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall’ playing in the background.
“I was way smarter before I went to ISB,” was the only thing he said and as if for proof went back to staring at the wall.
Still there are those that have not given up even three years since graduating.
Phisaddi Das was one of those who had not given up on his pre-ISB aspirations. He says, “I am as commando on my ISB dreams now as in April of 2008. I had been out of school for a long time, but I embraced the environment with both arms and feet. I did all the assignments in my group, burnt the midnight tubelight, took all the available electives at IIT Hyderabad, invited all my Professors for dinner, shoved my right hand in front of people who I did not know, and every morning tried to figure out the meaning of the shaft rising unhindered in every Student Village. When I got a deferred placement through ISB, I touched Dean K’s feet and thanked him for the privilege. I then went out into the real world that Dean K had prepared us for and realized that the world was not ready for my managerial capabilities. I then compromised by taking up a temporary job till I hear back on my dream offer from ISB.”
On being told by us that the placement season is finally at a ‘close’, Mr. Das mentioned some unmentionables, ran out, and buried his head in some sand lying at a nearby construction site.
“See, ISB is not a placement agency,” Dean K says. “We give students here a world class education and an experience that even the combination of James Cameron and a big-ass IMAX screen cannot. Yeah sure, we cost about a zillion times more than an IMAX ticket, but that is missing the point.”
When asked what the ‘point’ is, Dean K told your correspondent that he needs to come to ISB in order to get it – a great marketing pitch, for retards.
The new batch of ISB is going to be the biggest yet and Mr. Gnome, the placement head, had already made plans.
“After the success of the ‘three year placement cycle’ for Co2009, we plan to build on it. We did an extensive benchmarking study against Ivy League schools and came up with a best-in-class plan for the new batch – the class of 2013. It is called the ‘Five Year Placement Success’ program. We will automatically enroll the new batch in it at no extra tuition fees and over the next five years starting at the time of graduation, give the best possible placements to our students,” he said wringing his hands in apparent delight.
To ensure the same level of success for the new program, Mr. Gnome clarified, “We now plan to leverage all our industry contacts and board members – who are from top companies across the world: Scrapbitch Hacks, Letdown Industries, Villagegroup, NoSignal Enterprises, and some Private Disingenuous firms.”
On being asked, why over its decade long history the school did not reach out before to CEOs and MDs of such renowned firms, Mr. Gnome said, “You are missing the point. Also, our team of well-qualified placement cell employees and business development personnel are the best that Hyderabad and our relations have to offer.”
“ISB is about the three ‘S’ – Shiksha (education), Soojh (thinking), and Safar (journey),” Dean K says. “A student embarks on the journey of ISB thinking of getting the best education. We fulfill this journey by charging a premium over the market price and underwhelm the students with what is on offer, thereby maintaining a balance in the ‘srishti’ (universe). If my French is correct, ‘naukri’ (job) does not begin with an ‘s’ so why are we even discussing it?”
Your correspondent finally ran out of logic.
© Fias

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Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Shrieking News: Man Eats Chipotle, Becomes a Blimp

Thursday, 4th April, 2012, London: A STRANGE SIGHT GREETED residents of Surrey county in the early hours of today. An object that can be best described as a ‘man-blimp’ was found hovering about a few kilometers above the ground.

A Royal Air Force sortie was dispatched immediately to try and identify the foreign object, and if possible, make contact with it. A RAF spokesman briefed reporters afterwards, while the man-blimp continued on its northern journey into the unknown.

It seems that the ‘blimp’ was indeed a young man, Rajiv B., who was roaming around London’s Oxford Street the previous night. What followed was a strange turn of events.

It seems Rajiv B. is a great fan of the Mexican fast food chain, Chipotle. He has been a frequent patron of the chain on two continents and had built up quite an appetite for delicious burritos, tacos, and salads on offer. Last night, he pushed the wrap a bit further, and ordered a unique combination of a chipotle burrito, filled with minced chihuahuahuahuaho, French cottage cheese from Louis the XIV’s court, crushed African peri peri, wild onions, and tandoori butter chicken. The store personnel confirmed that such a combination had never been created before and the effects were unpredictable.

At first it was all usual – a burp there and a fart there. But by the time the monster burrito was finished, a slight bulging was observed in Rajiv B. by other patrons. When Rajiv B. took another sip of the Mountain Dew-Lemon Grass mocktail, it triggered an unknown chain reaction, such that the next moment, Rajiv B.’s Burberry overcoat burst at the seams and he found himself bumping face first against the ceiling.

Before the employees or, other patrons could react, someone opened the employee entrance as well as the exit at the same time, creating a draft, which then blew Rajiv B. outside and into the street.

It seems Rajiv B. has been steadily gaining altitude since.

A spokesman from Chipotle has noted that it has been known for some time that continuous consumption of their product in a certain pattern and combination over many years could have had such a side effect, but the probability was so low that they had discounted the possibility.

A leading scientist at CERN has confirmed through his complicated model that the probability of finding the Higgs Boson was higher than becoming a human blimp. The EU promptly cut the funding of the Large Haldron Collider project and redirected the scientists and staff to feed the 27 km collider with Chipotle products in order to recreate what is now being known as the “Man Eats Chipotle, Becomes a Blimp” effect. Results are not expected until 2034.

Your correspondent managed to catch up with Rajiv B. somewhere in the stratosphere on a RAF helicopter.

Rajiv B. was not contrite at his predicament though his speech seemed a little slow, which he assured us was normal. He said, “This is a great opportunity for me. I have been contacted by Goodyear for an exclusive advertising contract that I am considering. I can now visit the world and eat Chipotle wherever and whenever I want.”

NASA has confirmed that the new development was ground breaking and they can restart their space shuttle program. They have put all their astronauts on a Chipotle diet, but the right combination has not been found till the time of this report. They are now employing the FBI to trawl the country for the most spacious people; the line of eligible candidates has apparently already stretched to Colombia.

President Obama called it a validation of his bold and visionary Economic program and projected the US fiscal deficit to reduce by (-)$1.3 Trillion, as a consequence. "We are going to Mars, bitches," he announced enthusiastically in an address to the nation. Presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney, also said that it shows the value of 'free enterprise' - a brand new concept that he had introduced when he was Governor of the state of Massachusetts and mandated each and every person in the state to be a part of. He said that he will mandate a Chipotle a day for every US citizen once he becomes President so that "America returns to its former greatness (under Nixon) as that is where the 'greatest nation in the world (TM)' deserves to be."

Our foreign political analyst adds that Hugo Chavez, the President of Venezuela, has denounced everyone and his mother and said that his was a capitalist conspiracy to undermine OPEC. He promptly ordered the dispatch of fighter jets to shoot the object down, but the planes could not take off as all the oil in the country was given to Cuba in exchange for bananas.

Rupert Murdoch is also trying to fit Rajiv B. with a satnav that will allow him to locate and float over the houses of various celebrities and footballers. “Let those privacy assclowns complain now,” he said brusquely while getting into his Rolls-Ferrari-Bentley tank. On hearing of Murdoch's comment, Victoria Beckham promptly relocated back to London in order to be written about/stalked by someone, anyone.

Even the world of music has reverberated with the repercussions of a bad Chipotle diet.

The three surviving Led Zeppelin members announced that they are getting back together to cut a new album and go on a worldwide tour. “We think the time is right for people to appreciate the true significance of floating objects,” said Robert Plant puffing what looked like a cigarette, but did not smell like one. “We plan to tour by following the trajectory of the man-blimp. Wherever it goes, so does Led Zep,” added Jimmy Page, the band’s guitarist. He continued, “We are planning to set fire to this man-blimp, get him photographed by Annie Leibovitz, and put him on the cover of our new album tentatively titled, ‘Zeppelin Got Gas’”.

Investment Bankers at London’s Canary Wharf were burning the midnight oil in trying to figure out whom to stick it to with global financial overhaul that was sure to follow. Last heard, they had hired Chinmay J., who recently has earned kudos for handling the China-Hong Kong split, to advise them on the billions of dollars of fictitious fees they plan to send to their clients and Nelson Mandela.

Not everyone has been taken in by the phenomenon. Irshad D., a renowned blogger and somnambulist, said “I do not know how can anyone be more awesome than King Kenny – this is just a red conspiracy to undermine Liverpool’s tremendous cup-winning season. You shall never fly alone!”

Meanwhile, Rajiv B. seemed more concerned on getting a frequent supply of hair gel. “Yaar,” he drawled, “it does not matter wherever you are hanging out at, your hair has to look its best. You never know when a chick might dig you,” he winked.

© Fias

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Monday, April 02, 2012

Shrieking News: China to Cede All Control of Hong Kong: Budding Tekken Champion Takes the Kudos

Monday, 2nd April, 2012: IN A STARTLING DEVELOPMENT that is already having political, economic and most importantly sporting repercussions around the world, the newly elected new executive of Hong Kong, Likee Mooney, has announced that China is going to cede all governing and economic control of the reclaimed-land-pseudo-island-state.

Our sources tell us that the idea germinated in the last leadership conference of the Communist Party in China, but experts are baffled as to how it came to a head in such a short period of time. The mystery was unraveled when it was revealed that a young Private Equity Associate, Chinmay J., was locked in all-night discussions with the principle parties and was instrumental in the world-shaking development.

The deal means that all mainland Chinese companies are now at a liberty to list on the Hang Seng and sell their shares to investors who had grown tired of their diet of ‘Vesuvius’-European Bonds and passing on their losses to the tax paying public. “We can now do that to the Asians,” an anonymous banker has confirmed.

Long queues were seen outside of Chinese takeaway joints in Manhttan, where traders from top Investment Banks were lining up to get a job and then eventually immigrate to China.
In an exclusive interview to us, Chinmay J. revealed what had transpired.

“I was around the main business district in my search for vegetarian food, when I happened to step in to the food court of the World Financial Center. Unfortunately, my search was unfruitful and I thought I would try one of the offices of the banks in the building, as those guys usually have good food in their conference rooms. A bad lunch has broken many a deals,” he added in a sagely tone.

“Having arrived at the conference rooms floor (my PE business card got me past security), I somehow got pushed into a melee and found myself in a big room, with a Turkey sandwich in my hand,” Chinmay said looking out wistfully of the 47th floor apartment overlooking a cloud.

“I was the only non-Chinese in the room and terribly hungry by now. Everyone around was talking in Chinese. The meeting went on and on and I watched the sun go down, not sure of where will I get my next meal from. I could also not leave as I knew that there was some deal that was going on, and as my idol, Mr. Gekko, once said, ‘Never walk away from a deal no matter how shit, as there is always a billable client’, I could not just leave.”

“After what seemed an eternity there was some loud shouting and suddenly some of the folks around the board room raised their hands. There was another round of shouting and then some more people raised theirs. There were loud groans everywhere, when suddenly, the guy sitting at the head of the table, who everyone kept saying that they ‘like’ a lot, looked me directly in the eye.”

“I was stumped. All my years of CA training and valuation classes at ISB, as well as those Jackie Chan movies, had not prepared for me for this moment. I sensed that I was at the cusp of greatness. I then used my general awareness and recent viewing of ‘Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows’ to work. I knew that the Chinese liked football and I was a recent convert too to Manchester United, as they are winners like me. Now who are the fiercest rivals to United: that should be Liverpool who are absolute pants at the moment and are supported by an illogical friend of mine, Irshad D. In a flash it was all clear to me – these guys were talking something to do with buying Liverpool.”

“Not Pool! Away! Away!” I cried out in a fit of panic.

“Suddenly there was this eruption and I was swamped by people congratulating me and hugging each other. The rest as I coined is historyTM,” Chinmay said while biting into an imported ‘thepla’ - a Gujarati delicacy.

Hillary Clinton in a White House press conference has announced that she will request Chinmay to get his negotiating-prowess-ridden bum to US, and help mediate the Palestine-Israel peace process. Chinmay J. is shortly expected to come to the US and start the process at the newly rechristened ‘Camp J-Man’.

Chinmay confirms, “It is so obvious that there can be peace, these non-fin guys just do not get it. You give the Israelis their wall, rest of West Bank, and the whole of Jerusalem, and then just lease it back to the Palestinians, who will get financed by a world-wide consortium of World Bank/IMF and Investment Banks. The banks get their fees, the Israelis will get tons of money on their ‘occuvestment’, and the Palestinians will get a 99 year time period in which to find another place to move. Most of them will die by then so it will be a win-win-win.”

A Scrapbitch Hacks Investment Banker confirmed the hypotheses, “Yeah! We do this all the time: be on both sides of the trade. We create shit and sell it to clients, and then buy insurance against the shit we have sold. How else do you think we can afford paying all these damn designers, car makers, Manhattan/Connecticut real estate agents who charge us exorbitant fees? Bloodsuckers, the lot of them!”

Meanwhile, the financial repercussions have even disrupted the cyber world. @GSElevator, the twitter feed of a New York-based, Investment Bank’s employees has relocated to Chinmay J.’s elevators in Hong Kong. They confirmed that they are getting so much material that they have already crashed twitter, twice.

The International Olympic Committee has also announced that they will be including ‘Tekken’, a popular video game, in London’s 2012 Olympics in order to honor Chinmay J. A spokesman confirmed that it will be a medal sport with the gold medal reserved for Chinmay J.

The world of arts has also not been far behind in its adulation. The reclusive fugitive director, Roman Polanski, has finally confirmed that his film noir classic, “Chinatown”, was in fact a foretelling on the coming of the ‘Chinmay’, and there are hints thrown in the movie that confirm the same. Netflix, a popular US movie renting service, has confirmed that “Chinatown” has been the top request on its service and it is planning to now buy Google from all the money it has made in the past day itself.

Despite the global upheaval, Chinmay J. looks calm and collected.

“Any buy-side guru could have done what I did,” he says humbly. “Deal making is like poker,” he continued, “let novices raise on the flop, but if you are playing with bullets you shoot them on the river.”

Your correspondent is sure that the above was profound.

© Fias

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