Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Shrieking News: Man Eats Chipotle, Becomes a Blimp

Thursday, 4th April, 2012, London: A STRANGE SIGHT GREETED residents of Surrey county in the early hours of today. An object that can be best described as a ‘man-blimp’ was found hovering about a few kilometers above the ground.

A Royal Air Force sortie was dispatched immediately to try and identify the foreign object, and if possible, make contact with it. A RAF spokesman briefed reporters afterwards, while the man-blimp continued on its northern journey into the unknown.

It seems that the ‘blimp’ was indeed a young man, Rajiv B., who was roaming around London’s Oxford Street the previous night. What followed was a strange turn of events.

It seems Rajiv B. is a great fan of the Mexican fast food chain, Chipotle. He has been a frequent patron of the chain on two continents and had built up quite an appetite for delicious burritos, tacos, and salads on offer. Last night, he pushed the wrap a bit further, and ordered a unique combination of a chipotle burrito, filled with minced chihuahuahuahuaho, French cottage cheese from Louis the XIV’s court, crushed African peri peri, wild onions, and tandoori butter chicken. The store personnel confirmed that such a combination had never been created before and the effects were unpredictable.

At first it was all usual – a burp there and a fart there. But by the time the monster burrito was finished, a slight bulging was observed in Rajiv B. by other patrons. When Rajiv B. took another sip of the Mountain Dew-Lemon Grass mocktail, it triggered an unknown chain reaction, such that the next moment, Rajiv B.’s Burberry overcoat burst at the seams and he found himself bumping face first against the ceiling.

Before the employees or, other patrons could react, someone opened the employee entrance as well as the exit at the same time, creating a draft, which then blew Rajiv B. outside and into the street.

It seems Rajiv B. has been steadily gaining altitude since.

A spokesman from Chipotle has noted that it has been known for some time that continuous consumption of their product in a certain pattern and combination over many years could have had such a side effect, but the probability was so low that they had discounted the possibility.

A leading scientist at CERN has confirmed through his complicated model that the probability of finding the Higgs Boson was higher than becoming a human blimp. The EU promptly cut the funding of the Large Haldron Collider project and redirected the scientists and staff to feed the 27 km collider with Chipotle products in order to recreate what is now being known as the “Man Eats Chipotle, Becomes a Blimp” effect. Results are not expected until 2034.

Your correspondent managed to catch up with Rajiv B. somewhere in the stratosphere on a RAF helicopter.

Rajiv B. was not contrite at his predicament though his speech seemed a little slow, which he assured us was normal. He said, “This is a great opportunity for me. I have been contacted by Goodyear for an exclusive advertising contract that I am considering. I can now visit the world and eat Chipotle wherever and whenever I want.”

NASA has confirmed that the new development was ground breaking and they can restart their space shuttle program. They have put all their astronauts on a Chipotle diet, but the right combination has not been found till the time of this report. They are now employing the FBI to trawl the country for the most spacious people; the line of eligible candidates has apparently already stretched to Colombia.

President Obama called it a validation of his bold and visionary Economic program and projected the US fiscal deficit to reduce by (-)$1.3 Trillion, as a consequence. "We are going to Mars, bitches," he announced enthusiastically in an address to the nation. Presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney, also said that it shows the value of 'free enterprise' - a brand new concept that he had introduced when he was Governor of the state of Massachusetts and mandated each and every person in the state to be a part of. He said that he will mandate a Chipotle a day for every US citizen once he becomes President so that "America returns to its former greatness (under Nixon) as that is where the 'greatest nation in the world (TM)' deserves to be."

Our foreign political analyst adds that Hugo Chavez, the President of Venezuela, has denounced everyone and his mother and said that his was a capitalist conspiracy to undermine OPEC. He promptly ordered the dispatch of fighter jets to shoot the object down, but the planes could not take off as all the oil in the country was given to Cuba in exchange for bananas.

Rupert Murdoch is also trying to fit Rajiv B. with a satnav that will allow him to locate and float over the houses of various celebrities and footballers. “Let those privacy assclowns complain now,” he said brusquely while getting into his Rolls-Ferrari-Bentley tank. On hearing of Murdoch's comment, Victoria Beckham promptly relocated back to London in order to be written about/stalked by someone, anyone.

Even the world of music has reverberated with the repercussions of a bad Chipotle diet.

The three surviving Led Zeppelin members announced that they are getting back together to cut a new album and go on a worldwide tour. “We think the time is right for people to appreciate the true significance of floating objects,” said Robert Plant puffing what looked like a cigarette, but did not smell like one. “We plan to tour by following the trajectory of the man-blimp. Wherever it goes, so does Led Zep,” added Jimmy Page, the band’s guitarist. He continued, “We are planning to set fire to this man-blimp, get him photographed by Annie Leibovitz, and put him on the cover of our new album tentatively titled, ‘Zeppelin Got Gas’”.

Investment Bankers at London’s Canary Wharf were burning the midnight oil in trying to figure out whom to stick it to with global financial overhaul that was sure to follow. Last heard, they had hired Chinmay J., who recently has earned kudos for handling the China-Hong Kong split, to advise them on the billions of dollars of fictitious fees they plan to send to their clients and Nelson Mandela.

Not everyone has been taken in by the phenomenon. Irshad D., a renowned blogger and somnambulist, said “I do not know how can anyone be more awesome than King Kenny – this is just a red conspiracy to undermine Liverpool’s tremendous cup-winning season. You shall never fly alone!”

Meanwhile, Rajiv B. seemed more concerned on getting a frequent supply of hair gel. “Yaar,” he drawled, “it does not matter wherever you are hanging out at, your hair has to look its best. You never know when a chick might dig you,” he winked.

© Fias

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Blogger Rajiv Bhuttan said...

the last paragraph takes the cake, Iqbal. hahaha
Just brilliant.

4:06 PM  

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