Monday, April 02, 2012

Shrieking News: China to Cede All Control of Hong Kong: Budding Tekken Champion Takes the Kudos

Monday, 2nd April, 2012: IN A STARTLING DEVELOPMENT that is already having political, economic and most importantly sporting repercussions around the world, the newly elected new executive of Hong Kong, Likee Mooney, has announced that China is going to cede all governing and economic control of the reclaimed-land-pseudo-island-state.

Our sources tell us that the idea germinated in the last leadership conference of the Communist Party in China, but experts are baffled as to how it came to a head in such a short period of time. The mystery was unraveled when it was revealed that a young Private Equity Associate, Chinmay J., was locked in all-night discussions with the principle parties and was instrumental in the world-shaking development.

The deal means that all mainland Chinese companies are now at a liberty to list on the Hang Seng and sell their shares to investors who had grown tired of their diet of ‘Vesuvius’-European Bonds and passing on their losses to the tax paying public. “We can now do that to the Asians,” an anonymous banker has confirmed.

Long queues were seen outside of Chinese takeaway joints in Manhttan, where traders from top Investment Banks were lining up to get a job and then eventually immigrate to China.
In an exclusive interview to us, Chinmay J. revealed what had transpired.

“I was around the main business district in my search for vegetarian food, when I happened to step in to the food court of the World Financial Center. Unfortunately, my search was unfruitful and I thought I would try one of the offices of the banks in the building, as those guys usually have good food in their conference rooms. A bad lunch has broken many a deals,” he added in a sagely tone.

“Having arrived at the conference rooms floor (my PE business card got me past security), I somehow got pushed into a melee and found myself in a big room, with a Turkey sandwich in my hand,” Chinmay said looking out wistfully of the 47th floor apartment overlooking a cloud.

“I was the only non-Chinese in the room and terribly hungry by now. Everyone around was talking in Chinese. The meeting went on and on and I watched the sun go down, not sure of where will I get my next meal from. I could also not leave as I knew that there was some deal that was going on, and as my idol, Mr. Gekko, once said, ‘Never walk away from a deal no matter how shit, as there is always a billable client’, I could not just leave.”

“After what seemed an eternity there was some loud shouting and suddenly some of the folks around the board room raised their hands. There was another round of shouting and then some more people raised theirs. There were loud groans everywhere, when suddenly, the guy sitting at the head of the table, who everyone kept saying that they ‘like’ a lot, looked me directly in the eye.”

“I was stumped. All my years of CA training and valuation classes at ISB, as well as those Jackie Chan movies, had not prepared for me for this moment. I sensed that I was at the cusp of greatness. I then used my general awareness and recent viewing of ‘Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows’ to work. I knew that the Chinese liked football and I was a recent convert too to Manchester United, as they are winners like me. Now who are the fiercest rivals to United: that should be Liverpool who are absolute pants at the moment and are supported by an illogical friend of mine, Irshad D. In a flash it was all clear to me – these guys were talking something to do with buying Liverpool.”

“Not Pool! Away! Away!” I cried out in a fit of panic.

“Suddenly there was this eruption and I was swamped by people congratulating me and hugging each other. The rest as I coined is historyTM,” Chinmay said while biting into an imported ‘thepla’ - a Gujarati delicacy.

Hillary Clinton in a White House press conference has announced that she will request Chinmay to get his negotiating-prowess-ridden bum to US, and help mediate the Palestine-Israel peace process. Chinmay J. is shortly expected to come to the US and start the process at the newly rechristened ‘Camp J-Man’.

Chinmay confirms, “It is so obvious that there can be peace, these non-fin guys just do not get it. You give the Israelis their wall, rest of West Bank, and the whole of Jerusalem, and then just lease it back to the Palestinians, who will get financed by a world-wide consortium of World Bank/IMF and Investment Banks. The banks get their fees, the Israelis will get tons of money on their ‘occuvestment’, and the Palestinians will get a 99 year time period in which to find another place to move. Most of them will die by then so it will be a win-win-win.”

A Scrapbitch Hacks Investment Banker confirmed the hypotheses, “Yeah! We do this all the time: be on both sides of the trade. We create shit and sell it to clients, and then buy insurance against the shit we have sold. How else do you think we can afford paying all these damn designers, car makers, Manhattan/Connecticut real estate agents who charge us exorbitant fees? Bloodsuckers, the lot of them!”

Meanwhile, the financial repercussions have even disrupted the cyber world. @GSElevator, the twitter feed of a New York-based, Investment Bank’s employees has relocated to Chinmay J.’s elevators in Hong Kong. They confirmed that they are getting so much material that they have already crashed twitter, twice.

The International Olympic Committee has also announced that they will be including ‘Tekken’, a popular video game, in London’s 2012 Olympics in order to honor Chinmay J. A spokesman confirmed that it will be a medal sport with the gold medal reserved for Chinmay J.

The world of arts has also not been far behind in its adulation. The reclusive fugitive director, Roman Polanski, has finally confirmed that his film noir classic, “Chinatown”, was in fact a foretelling on the coming of the ‘Chinmay’, and there are hints thrown in the movie that confirm the same. Netflix, a popular US movie renting service, has confirmed that “Chinatown” has been the top request on its service and it is planning to now buy Google from all the money it has made in the past day itself.

Despite the global upheaval, Chinmay J. looks calm and collected.

“Any buy-side guru could have done what I did,” he says humbly. “Deal making is like poker,” he continued, “let novices raise on the flop, but if you are playing with bullets you shoot them on the river.”

Your correspondent is sure that the above was profound.

© Fias

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